Alas my friends, I bid thee adieu once more. I move on to greener pastures where perhaps they will allow me to place pictures more readily and easily. Although I'm sure you folks probably aren't going to care anyway. I mean, seriously, you have lives of your own to live.
So perhaps email me, im me, or call me if you feel so inclined. I will start some other musings in a time undecided.
So long. Farewell. And thanks for all the memories. |
Entry #1
The past week has been filled with some strange happenings. Let me catch you up on a few.
For starters, my boss was fired. No, not Jim Wallis. Rather, it was my supervisor and the circumstances surrounding his departure were unknown. It was attributed to a "breach of personnel policy" and there was nothing more they could say. We were told not to contact them, lest' there be an investigation. We, as the interns, were caught unawares. After all, it had only been a mere month since we arrived. Yet, all our co-workers, people who had weathered decades together, were shocked and bewildered. Never before had this happened in their 30 year history of Sojourners.
This was some pretty serious stuff.
So here you have it. Geeyung Li. Interim Advertising Manager doing the best he can. Do I feel overwhelmed? No. I do feel awkward however. There are thoughts and ideas I would like to pursue, but there's a certain etiquette about it. Even I have enough sense to know that it may be rude for a young college graduate to push forth new ideas when I've only been there a month, and came by this position through circumstances rather than merit. How well can I actually know the organization in this short of time?
Next week I go to North Carolina for Camp Wellstone. It is bound to be an experience that will change how I see things, whether for better or worse. My friend Meredith will be hosting me, and has already promised me Carolinian Barbeque. Verily, no better woman is there in all of Carolina than Meredith.
Well, today is Saturday and I have no aspirations for greatness today. Ambition is taking some R&R for just a day, and I will most likely indulge myself in my latest Anime Addiction: Bleach.
Bleach is one part Japanese Shintoism (shinigami), one part Samurai, and all about a young boy who has great spiritual energy. Recall James Fenimore Cooper's Natty Bumpbo? Here is the romantic hero reborn, but filled with angst, rock candy yellow hair, and an overwhelming desire to protect the innocent and those he loves. Think he's been beat? Watch out! His special abilities will find a way to unlock themselves and then you're screwed my friend. Assume he's dead? You Fool! Everyone knows THAT's when everything hits the fan!
Ok ok. So the writing is a bit pedestrian. But the sheer creativity of it all amazes me. There are a lot of little nuances about how things work, and although it's sort of 'deux machina' as to how they explain it, they are just as fascinating. Soul pills, changing self-sentient swords, different forms of Hollows. It should be noted that it gets off to a slow start. Very slow. You'll have to wade through 15-17 episodes before the real fun begins. Be patient friends, and your tenacity shall be rewarded.
My Linda. I've tried talking about my doubts with a lot of people, but I find that generally, I'm unable to tell the truth. Sure, I say that I'm having doubts, but deep down I believe people assume I'm just trying to settle myself. I'm not trying to settle myself. I'm trying to consciously think if I should end a relationship of 2 and 1/2 years or not. It's not to be mean. It's to be honest. Linda loves me, no questions asked and no doubt in her mind. She deserves a person who can treat her in the same way. She deserves more than a boyfriend who cannot make up his mind, and she deserves to know where she stands.
Before anyone thinks the fat lady has sung, I would like to say that I plan on taking my time pondering about this relationship. After all, Linda and I have had a serious long term relationship. Decisions whether to end it or not cannot be made on a whim. It cannot be decided in a day, a week, nor even a month. I plan on using this entire year here at D.C. to see where the two of us are going. In a way, I knew this would be part of the experience here at Sojourners. In all honesty, if we make it through then you should expect a wedding invitation sooner or later. These are high stakes my friend, and I feel very few people have the opportunity of distance to go through these emotions.
Honestly, I am afraid. I was never good a hurting people. Indeed, I am an emotional coward. But I love Linda. Truly I do, with doubts and fears and everything. I owe it to her to be honest, or else it may be more difficult to consider in the future.
But enough bleakness and saddness. The day is early and the sun is out. Life is renewed and the possibilities are endless!
I'm going to go watch t.v.Current Mood:  optimistic Current Music: Gravity Kills |
There is something powerful in the land of your birth. It is a connection that defies geopolitical boundries, or the heavy sands of time. I drove into Kansas and it felt like my heart would burst from the weight of history.
My friend Matthew got married on June 18th at the age of 22. God, are we getting to that point already? Susan will no longer respond to the title of Ms. Myers, but will most undoubtly insist upon Mrs. when you address her. Matt's sister, Kayla, will also be devoting the rest of her life to some individual before the year is over with.
So many gigantic paper shredders.
So little time.
I ran into some old acquaintences from down the street. I noticed Coung at first . . . or rather I did not notice him. Kids these days seem to grow much faster than I remember. I drove onto their driveway like a shmuck who wasn't sure of what he was doing (and in trust, I didn't). There Coung was, a stunning 5'11" when I left him at a mere 5'4" all those years ago. Hon was balding. The thorn bushes where we had caught Mr. Rabbit had been torn out and replaced with modern cement. Damn, it was good to be back.
I treated them out to Chili's where they ordered the cheapest thing on the menu while I dined on Baby Back Ribs. We spoke of years gone by and dredged up the memory of life. We chuckled at how I got stuck in a sewer (I don't know how or why) and the time we were caught entering a house illegal. We reminded each other that we were bound by childhood, the Dangs and I. Despite what time may pass, we are brothers and that will never change.
Funny thing about relationships. It doesn't matter how long you've been away. You always like to pick things up right where you left them. Sarah Keller. Doesn't that name remind me of the past. In kindergarden I had given her a box of chocolates as well as snuck beneath the bus seats to sit next to her. 15 years later, here we are. She looked exactly as I remembered, although her confidence in herself seemed to be worse for wear. I suppose being stuck in Topeka will do that. That and weddings. Susanna and Andrew have also managed to outgrow yours truely and Kelly seems to have finally grown into her once lanky body. I must admit, the Crandall's have amazing good genes. I can only hope my kids will be able to beat up their grandkids.
Kai was doing his usual thing. I never feel akward in front of Kai. I wonder if that's what love between men feel like. There's never any expectation between us. There's never this pressure or overbearing thought that we need to be anything than what we need to be. It was nice to spend time with a man like that. I believe that Kai is what I have always wanted in an older brother. A person who challenges and loves and assists and jokes and everything. So thanks Kai, for making the trip all the more worthwhile.
* It should be noted that Kai cheats at Jenga. Do not allow him to get away with this unsportsmanlike conduct.
I bought a book for Kelly. She's rather into reading mysteries and I figured she should know the joys of Agatha Christie. I ran it by Josh to ensure it was appropriate for middle school. "Clean enough to eat off of" he replied. I do hope the other kids won't get jealous about this.
I stayed an extra day and just drove for hours through the city. I took pictures of seemingly mediocre houses and inconspicuous buildings. These are the longings of a prodigal son. Of a pilgrim on his way to Mecca. Everything reminded me of my youth. Every place was a shadow of a memory in my mind. All at once familiar and strange. I drove the streets to remind myself how they looked and felt. It was like being baptized all over again.
I left Topeka a day later than I wanted to. I suddenly realized that during my trip I had gained great insight into my father's life. He had spent many more years than I in this small town, this place of my birth. He had friends, a successful business, and a security little felt in this world today. Yet, for the sake of a dream, and idea, and a chance at the future he tore his roots, severed his cords, and said goodbye to fair Topeka. This is the man my father is. A man who cannot be tied down by sentimentality. A man who is immune to chains of history. It is a strength of Will that I hope to reflect someday.
My life.Current Mood: Rememberance Current Music: Flamenco Sketches-Miles Davis-Kind of Blue - 1997 Remaster |
It's often strange how we write so late at night.
Perchance it be that during day time is lost so easily from sight.
That during times of quiet contemplation, we find the voice which cries in quiet desperation.
I believe that poetry is often a lost art these days. I am quite sad that I am unable to quote a single line from the likes of Tennyson, Shakesphere (none of the R&J stuff), or Whitman. There were these people who were able to take pure emotions and place them down into words. The sheer impossibility of such a feat astounds me, and yet here today I know that somewhere out in the billions of books are trillions of words, some of which are placed just so.
I have decided to embark upon a journery to memorize at least one decent poem this summer.
After taking up boxing for but a mere week, I've successfully managed to injure my wrist to the point where it hurts to put pants on. Of course, this is not to say that I have stopped going to boxing practice. This just means that I have now increased the usage of my left hand by about 500%. It's coming swimmingly, and I hope to be able to use my inferior right hand during this Saturday during a friendly sparring match. Dear God, I hope they do not overestimate my abilities . . .
Additionally, I managed to recieve my Wusthof cuterly set today. For a paltry $179.99 I have managed to acquire 4 stunning knives, 1 delightful set of shears, and a lovely Steeler. Included in the set was a block of wood in which to place my said knives. I know. You may be thinking to yourself "That's quite a large chunk of cash to spend on a set of kitchen knives Gee" and you would be indeed correct. Yet, these are no ordinary knives. Oh no. They are precision forged to form a single 3/4 tang piece of artwork. Unlike the usual knives (basically stamped sheet metals that are sharpened) these knives have a unique balance and sharpness that belies their dreary demeanor. These knives represent one of the few obsessions I cannot justify these days. That of cookery. Look well upon these, for I shall not have another day of victory for quite some time.
I've finished reading a book by the name of "The Incident of the Dog at Midnight" by Mark Haddon. This is by far, one of the least enjoyable books I've ever read. However, it's writing style is very similar to that of J.D. Salinger's in "Catcher in the Rye". The voice of the book seems to neither have a climax nor a denuemount. It just simply exists. I hate stories without any sort of resolution, but that's just the way I am. The writing style is similar to stream of consciousness writing which outlines the thought proccess of an autistic child living in England. A lot of "adult situations" surround our young protagonist, none of which he can fully comprehend. All in all, I give it 5 out of 5 for exterior packaging, and a mere 2 out of 5 for enjoyability.
I've been feeling very lonely these past days. It's not for lack of a significant other, nor for lack of friends. Rather, it is a very deep longing for understanding, and perhaps acceptance. I can't tell which. I assume it's a bit of both. I find myself very seperated from my roomates this summer. David is far too into wanting to exhibit his intellectual prowress in everything and anything. I can't even pretend to humor some of the things that come out of his mouth. It's an uneasy truce at best. Braden is rather preoccupied with his girlfriend and all that comes with it. In addition, I feel there's a lack of connection that goes much deeper than the conflict of availability. Rather, I feel there is a part of his soul which is missing and I find it very objectionable to be in his prescence.
Doesn't that sound silly? Yet, there it stands. I feel like I must be his guardian whenever I am in his prescence, since it seems he cannot take care of himself. I wonder if we all fall into some strange parental role when we least realize it. I pray it isn't so. We spend enough of our lives trying to get away from our parents as it is.
This leaves Michael, who, I must admit, I'm very curious about. His very accomodating demeanor also drives a very strange parental aspect in me, and yet I feel a strange peace that surrounds him despite all these very irritating situations that come up for him. Truely, if there is ever an eye in the storm of Windtree #307, he would be it.
I do not think I've been satisfied for a very long time. Not with life. Not with my relationships. Not with my accomplishments and my successes. Is it because I'm being too hard on myself? Setting the bar much much too high? Should I settle for what I have now and call it quits? Or rather is my unsatiated desires for deeper relationships, greater successes, and greater personal accountability where I need to be?
There's been far too many rhetoricals in this entry.
I bid thee adieu.Current Mood: Quietly Amused Current Music: Belle-Jack Johnson-In Between Dreams |
Dear Self,
The past few weeks has been a gigantic headache. You'd think that with the onset of the summer months you'd find more time for yourself and less responsibilities. Where's the freedom that I've come to expect as our fair earth makes it's way around the sun? What happened those long summer days of lounging in bed? Wherefore art thou days where I decide to either spend 8 hours watching cartoons, or 8 hours playing some inane video game?
In the beginning I thought myself lazy. After all, there's little justification for wasthing the day away in front of the boob tube. However, now I realize that this is not the case. I don't mind responsibility, and I crave to have some structure in my life. Rather, it's the thought of not being able to dictate my own schedule that sets me on edge. It makes me irratable when favor upon favor, request upon request cumulate to an entire day doing the bidding of some other person.
I wonder why I have such a lack of generosity these days. I remember in the past I would not hesitate to lend money, to do favors, to fulfill requests. I remember my old mentor, Nathan Priddy, had once said I need to start learning how to say no. Perhaps this is the culmination of all the bitterness throughout the years of grudgingly agreeing to everything. I need to take time to myself, and I need to allow myself room to think and grow.
So sorry folks. Please forgive me should you find me declining your request. It's really the best for both of us. I hope you will understand.Current Mood: Raging Asian Current Music: Constellation |
| » Rantings of a Madman |
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You know, I often wonder what it is that makes us angry. Angry at the world. Angry at other people. Maybe it's stupidity. Maybe stupidity triggers this biological response in us that makes us want to kill other people. I mean, doesn't it make sense? If we know that there's a weaker human next to us that we can easily destroy, then isn't it just a matter of natural selection. Clear the gene pool.
I'd also like to think that anger arises from paranoia. We're always thinking everyone is out to get us. Why? Because we think ourselves superior. It's not bad. It's not cocky. It's just hard to think of life revolving around something other than you. I mean, you still have self-preservation instincts after all. So, paranoia. We take all these very normal things that people say, all these normal things that people do, and we interpret them as something which is specifically directed at our own beings. We feel insulted because of our self-fulfilling prophecies.
The state of mind is a powerful reference point in everything we see and do. It dictates how we respond and react; How we live and love. Our state of mind directly impacts our short-term reality, and it's a hard thing to change. We spend our entire lives shaping how we should view the world. Whether this is because it's just easier, or because we're just looking for some sort of character to define ourselves, we need to be more sensitive about how our past self pushes along without us knowing it.
That being said, I still hate Jon. He's stupid and he makes insulting comments.
Apr. 26th, 2005 @ 11:36 pm
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| » Future Shock |
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Dear God,
Often times it is frustrating for me to speak of the future to anyone. It seems that everyone has a job, a plan, a graduate school. Something which gives them another decade or so to help them contemplate the meaning of life on earth.
Ok. I'm jealous. I'm not above myself to admit that. I'm jealous at the fact that I seem unable and inadequate to get a job. There's this terrible feeling of insecurity that washes over me. I try and rise above that. That's why I ask people what their future holds. I inquire, and I smile, and I say "congratulations" and I prepare myself to respond when they, in turn, inquire what I will be doing in the forthcoming years.
Linda says that she believes I've had many "false starts" in life. When I look back at the journey I've taken, it's hard not to be just a little bitter. I moved during my junior year in highschool to another state. Even after I managed to work my way back up to the head of various organizations, I didn't get admitted into any Ivy Leagues. I missed out on FAP when they switched the application date. I didn't know anything about the on campus recruiting system until senior year (thanks Daniel!).
All in all, I think there is this enormous amount of missed opportunities on my part. I wonder at how much I could have allowed to simply pass me by. Was I lazy? Was I just mentally incapable? Was I measured on the cosmic scale and found inadequate? These are the thoughts and feelings and emotions that seem to reoccur in my mind. They float to the surface of my consciousness, though I continue to sink them with resolute faith.
I thought "Why do I believe in God?". I've seen both sides of the equation. The pagans seem to have a jolly good time being sinners. They have nicer cars, better looks, bigger bodies, more friends, nicer apartments, better looking girlfriend, and they don't have to contend with this reoccuring guilt that we Christians tend to associate ourselves with. They sure as hell seem to have a lot more peace than I do about the world, and perhaps it's because they live a simpler life than we do.
I look at Josh and I wonder how he can stand it. He's so god damn smart. I don't mean that in a bad way. I mean, look at him! Straight 4.0, 1600 SAT, full ride to University of Texas, decent cook (I'd say great, but he does tend to get anal in the kitchen). I wonder how he can stand looking at all these people with the cars, and the money and the fame and power and not wonder "I could be like that". Does he just find solace purely and inextricably from the fact that he'll go to heaven and get these "crowns"?
Ah well. Who the hell am I kidding? There's a lot of benefits to knowing you God, more than I can even count. Yeah, I seem to find myself in a constant flux of confusion, bemusement, anger, and resentment. Yet, I know that grace, forgiveness, and love are abstract ideas that exist very sparingly in this world. Just to see it once seems to be enough.
Apr. 25th, 2005 @ 06:25 pm
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| » Free Will vs. Predestination vs. The Decline of the Church |
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Dear God,
I wonder. We tend to love theology. We love to talk and explain and debate and hear the sweet sweet sound of logic and reason culminating to secure us in our faith and perception of who you are. We'll meet and talk about the large abstract ideas: Predestination. The inherent depravity of man. Are we inherently evil and only able to do good through God? Do we still have a spark of the divine within us?
Certainly there is a need to ponder and discuss higher level ideas. There are questions which cannot be explained by mere Christian idioms; questions which challenge and lead us to a greater depth and understanding of our relatioship with God and each other. However, at what point does it become less of a spiritual journey and more of just religious rhetoric?
The church has undergone a slow transition into almost an academic institution. In the past, Christians were looked down upon as a group of weak-minded individuals who believed in superstition and hocus pocus. Faith was the only credo we silently held as the scientific community brought wave after wave of challenges to the validity of Christianity. However, today we see that Christianity has spanned into many fields of science. From sociology, biology, physics, and even mathmatics, we have seen the idea of God permeate and spread into all forms of ideas and academic studies.
Yet, at the same time, have we gone too far astray? Today we speak and talk about micoevolution, predestination, and all manners of -ologies. We discuss and develop interesting and elaborate theories about who God is, who we are, and who's good, who's bad, what is heaven, where heaven is, and things of that manner. We have great conversations, with what we believe are greatly spiritual people, and we come away thinking that indeed, God is smiling at our continued efforts to know him.
We're fucking up.
Big time.
Take a look at the world around us. The Western church is spending so much time thinking about God that we're missing out on the opportunity to actually see Him. Sure, theology helps us make some sense of God. No question about that. Yet, how can theology be more powerful than experiencing and seeing God work in the world around us? How can theology teach us about justice, if we never see God set captives free? How can abstract theories show us forgiveness, if we never see reconciliation? The world is a dying place, and we're here playing Sigmund Freud. We're listening to each other's dreams, thoughts, and we're hoping that we can make some sense out of it with our own interpretation.
Am I saying that healthy discourse about theology is bad? Hell no. Am I saying we should all go and be Mother Teresa's? God forbid it (I doubt I could last a week). Rather, I point out the fact of what we're missing in our Western perspective these days. Sure, I may be bitter, but at least I'm not blind.
Lord,
Forgive us for thinking and not doing. Forgive us for not freeing those who are bound by injustice. Forgive us for playing around as the world falls apart around us. We need You to show us the way again. We need you to remind us of all we could be. Show us all that you've promised us, instead of this life of mediocrity. Show us the way to glory, instead of this life of quiet desperation.
For thine is the Kingdom
And the Power
And the Glory
Amen.
The World is a Changing . . .
Apr. 23rd, 2005 @ 12:22 am
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| » Right Hook Left Straight |
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It's been another long while. Funny how you lose your thoughts if you don't keep them down.
I still feel bad that I'm not getting a real job. I wonder if it's because I'm just useless or if it's because I really don't want to. There's this hidden fear that I'll never live up to some expectation out there. I don't even know where this feeling comes from. Maybe it's all we can do as humans to try and make sense of our lives.
I've gotten pretty annoyed at my roomates lately. It's not that they're bad people. Hell, I know I'm not a prince when it comes to habitual tendencies and complexes. I'm petty. I'm shallow. I hold a grudge pretty damn well when it all comes down to it. Still, you can't help but shake your head in shock and wonderment at all these things. I got myself pretty worked up on hate. Funny thing is, I tried to share it . . . and then it just came out in this very abstract and sarcastic way. I wonder if Josh and Jon knew how crazy they're driving me.
Josh.:
Dont' tell me what I can and can't eat. No offense, but you're not my goddamn mom.
Jonathan:
1) Not everyone is out to get you. Not everyone is judging you. Rather, you seem to be the one judging everyone else. You flippantly make your hurtful statements (which aren't funny, I don't know why you laugh at your own jokes) all the while insensitive to what hearts your break. Maybe if you stopped thinking of people as "good" and "bad" 'you can open up that fucking narrow mind of yours and realize that we're all kind of short on righteousness. Ah well. It's ok. You don't put your foot in your mouth . . . much . . . anymore . . .
Raymond:
1) I can never get mad at you.
You know, there's always this strange feeling of who I'm suppose to be writing this journal to. I thought of this because I pondered on adding a disclaimer involving the names I've written up above. Do you ever think you need to hide names just so you won't gasp! upset people?
I'm not answerable to people. At least not what I write in this journal. Hell, maybe if I posted this mother and told everyone to go read my livejournal like the other socialites THEN I'd be an asshole. But as it stands, the only people I know who even read this is Justin who somehow has me on this tracker thing . . . I still dont' know how you do that friend . . . but never bring up any of these things to me.
I realize I am a very embittered man these past days. I do not know why, except for the fact that I've let the opinions of people run over me. Time for that to end I dare say.
Apr. 19th, 2005 @ 09:02 pm
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| » Space: The Last Frontier |
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I need space.
I need space to live, play, learn, breathe
Linda doesn't seem to understand this. It's not that she's stupid. She just worries a lot, that's all. She worries if it's her, or if there's something between us that needs to be figured out or fixed.
I don't want to make this into one of those "guys vs. girls things". It's not. It's not about her failing to understanding me, or her being too emotionally attached. I think guys are just as much of an emotinal weight as any girl.
I need some fucking space. I'm going crazy without it. She says she understands, but then there's this thing she does. She'll know it's my night. Time for Gee. Whether I want to play video games, watch tv, surf the net, cook, read, whatever.
But she'll call me. Fair enough. No problem. I love talking to her. I love to hear about her day. But then she'll ask me to do something with her. Go over. Eat. Study together. Go out. I'll say "I want to stay home". There will be a small and very awkward silence. A kitten will cry in the distance, and then like a wounded animal she will reply "Okay."
What the fuck am I suppose to do with that?
Maddness.
I'm going crazy here. I'm going crazy because I'm doing things I don't want to be doing. I don't think women understand how a man needs space. Maybe they feel there's some small part of their significant other they can't understand, and it scares them. It scares them to know there's a part of me I can't/don't want to/ or otherwise don't care to share.
I need space.
Space to grow.
Space to live.
Space to love.
There's a very angry Gee these days. He's frustrated. He's getting pretty pissed off at very little things which he has normally never been pissed off about.
Be forewarned.
Feb. 7th, 2005 @ 12:21 am
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